I think I’ve mentioned before how my sex-drive sometimes is absent. As you can guess this sometimes puts a strain on my relationship with MP, and I hate that, but at the same time I can’t really help it. This makes me sexually awkward, I think I’m being sexy and doing stuff that turns my boyfriend on, but instead I’m miscalculating and do it wrong.
One example is when I tried to send a sexy photo of myself via phone and it turned out that I’d apparently looked really grumpy in the picture and it kinda ruined the mood for MP, also while sexting through Skype, I was trying to be sexy and explicit, and it worked. As you can guess though there’s a but coming after that. I had to go to the store and MP was expecting us to continue where we left off when I came back (he was visiting his family, so we weren’t at the same place). My idea with the whole thing though, was to make him anticipate his return home to me and to build up some sexual tension until then. Apparently I hadn’t been clear that that’s was what I was doing, and I only managed to make MP disappointed and “deflated” (pun intended).
This of course makes me feel like an inadequate partner, and I hate to disappoint MP. I think it’s awkward to write or even talk dirty, and I don’t know how to fix it. It’s damaging our relationship, because even though he doesn’t want to pressure me, he expects some things of our sexlife and it makes him frustrated (and me as well) when things don’t go well.
I have no idea how to fix this. I think I know the cause though. I have recently recovered from receiving the diagnose Bipolar, and have starting taking medicine. This makes my general mood go up, but at the same time it makes my sex-drive drop. Also since I’m having trouble figuring out my sexuality and gender, it’s no wonder I’m not feeling comfortable with myself during sex, since it doesn’t feel right to be in the body I am. When he squeezes my breast or goes down on me, it’s nice but feels awkward and wrong at the same time. That is probably also why I like touching and doing things to MP, but don’t let him reciprocate very often. Which of course makes us both feel awkward and frustrated.
I hate this, but I’m working on making it all better, even if it’s going to slow for my liking…